Living with Pain That Just Won’t Go Away. Part 1

I have just read an article about how chronic pain changes a person. And, once again the tears flow as I write. I have pretty much stopped talking to people in real life about my back pain. People in real life have pretty much stopped asking. I am walking straight and I have medication. Some of that medication even makes me a bit happier as a side effect right?

It reminds me a little of when my mum died a few years ago. After a few weeks/months people stopped asking how I was, because I was over it right? Well, the development of this chronic pain, it’s quite a bit like grieving. The initial shock of it, the raw pain of it is hard to manage but people were there to help me cope in the early days when the pain was visible.  Then followed the process of trying come to terms with it, learning to accept that things are not the same anymore, that an important part of my life has been lost. And in time, that support disappeared as it had all become invisible, and people don’t want to hear it anymore, if it seems ok, best not to ask, or so it seems. I have struggled to keep myself going over the last 10 months, and it is not over, and just like grieving I think I am coping then something reminds me of what I am missing, a little thing that crops up that floors me all over agin. But it has now just conveniently been swept under the carpet of drugs, and my rotten mood and distancing from others is put down to the medication. The medication has changed me, right?

I had almost stopped crying for a while. But then, I read this article that I am going to post, and it is just like I have had a conversation with someone who understands again, someone who knows, who feels it, and who has got it right. It is like I have written bits of it. And it has opened the floodgates again as even though this was not written for me, or about me, and written before I even had chronic pain, it feels like for just a moment, today, someone was listening. Even though they weren’t.

I want to show it to all my friends, my family, my work colleagues, my GP, my husband and make them read it. I want to shout at them ‘you see?! it is not my fault I have changed so much, that I am so irritable and miserable and depressed. How can a stranger understand but not you?’

And the tears are now streaming down my face, and I can’t stop them. And don’t know if I want to stop them right now. I will post the article when I have composed myself.


5 thoughts on “Living with Pain That Just Won’t Go Away. Part 1

  1. I know it’s not to the same scale but after having my gallbladder out I have realised how much the niggling, underlying pain was effecting me everyday.I have a much longer fuse these days!

    It’s a shame that people in real life aren’t being more supportive though. I guess it’s hard to imagine living with it 24/7. Do show them the article. It’s a great way of getting out your feelings when it’s too hard to say the words yourself.

    Hope the tears don’t last too long and offer some much needed release x

    • thank you. it is not their fault, those in real life. they were supportive enough when i probably needed it the most, when i could not actually walk. some of them anyway. people have their own lives to be getting on with!

      • They do I know – I feel the same. No one really asks how we are coping with this upheaval. I get people have real lives but I still think giving them a clearer insight into how you’re doing would be a good thing.

  2. I wish I knew what to say to make it better. I’ve had to change my whole lifestyle due to my hip which has eased it but it’s always there and I know it will come back. If wine can’t cure back pain maybe, just maybe adding some chocolate into the mix might help a tad too x

    • Funny you should say that – I have recently developed an increased sweet tooth, tThey say our bodies crave what we need don’t they;) Sorry to hear about your hip problems, the hardest thing for me has been the adjustment to lifestyle changes, thinking differently, stopping things that are risky. Thank you for following. I am going to check out what I suspect is going to be a fabulous kitchen on your blog…

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