Blown Away by Hope and Pain.

There are two parts to this blog, as technically this computer has been confiscated by my husband so that I can listen to the audio book he has downloaded for me, and so I can fully rest my back.

Firstly, Wow. The power of Mumsnet is two fold! Not only has ‘Doogie Hower’ in disguise found the cause of my back problems but, how many people have come to check out my post! and have left me some amazing supportive messages. And yes, the more I think about it, the more I can feel the place where that oddly large and painful but quick to disappear from my memory bruise was. It was right in-between my vertebrae at the base of my spine. Now I remember, and have discussed with R, neither of us have any idea how it escaped our memories. It just demonstrates how easy it is to block very important details from our minds.

There is no doubt in my mind  now that the unfortunate event of the shower curtain caused my slipped disc. But, I know many people are thinking, as R did, ‘so what?’ and as someone commented on my last post ‘you can’t un-salt the soup’. That is true. This revelation does not fix my back. It won’t change the treatment offered. The damage is done and it is going to take a long time to fix, whatever the cause. Perhaps had I linked it at the time it might be a different story, but probably not.

What this does change is how I deal with it, emotionally, in the long-term. It gives me hope. I was told by several medical professionals that this is likely degenerative. It has happened over a period of time and the disc is disintegrating. This has put a little pressure on the discs above. And, as it is degenerative, it is likely this will progress upwards in time. This has been the source of great angst for me, as many of those who have journeyed with me over this last almost-year know. Coming to terms with the loss of so many things in my future. Having to find a way to parent so this debilitating condition does not hugely and negatively impact on my children’s upbringing. I have had so many tears of worry that this might end up crippling me. I have seen my career disappear in front of me and seen my relationship change and become damaged in front of my eyes.

This means, that maybe there is a chance that won’t happen. This means that if I can get this disc fixed, that it might not spread upwards, that it is not degenerative, that it is not inevitable that my life will be a continued cycle of pain and medication. Hope.

Alas this leads to the second part of my post. At the time I should be revelling in this fabulous news (and believe me I have been blown away by it) and seeing this as a new episode in my life, where I can go to work with little pain feeling this is actually progress that might stay, instead of walking with a swing in my step, I am in bed in pain as my back has gone again and I can’t stand or walk.

I have been throwing up since sunday, (for those who have an aversion to vomiting stories, read on, there will be no details) and now I am unable to walk for pain and muscle spasms. I have a theory about this, about the links between my pain and being sick, but that is for another time. For now, having had to crawl to the toilet on my hands and knees I am in so much pain I am going to return to the excellent audio book The Name of the Wind by Patrick Rothfuss for those who want something cool to listen to.

But, this is not going to beat me now. Not anymore. I am not going to just accept my fate is out of my control, this is not my destiny to have a back problem, it is not genetic, or degenerative. So I can overcome it. After some sleep.

(ps Thank you everyone for reading my blogs and for ‘liking’ and for the lovely comments. It means a lot. Even with a little nudge from those at the top.

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7 thoughts on “Blown Away by Hope and Pain.

  1. I totally get how much it means to find out that it’s not degenerative. It was something briefly mentioned about my own condition and I freaked. I am so frustrated reading your posts, I am truly rooting for you and hope this is sorted soon, somehow.

  2. I understand why it’s important. Control over your body is a huge thing and the thought that something is happening to you with no rhyme or reason must be the most frustrating feeling. Added to that, you don’t need to justify yourself at all, to us or anyone. You feel the way you’re feeling and you’re entitled. I’m so glad you’re feelings are now positive and I think your attitude is awesome! Go girl xx

  3. Your blog has struck an incredible chord with me. I had a prolapsed L5/S1 disc leading to chronic sciatica from October 2006 until April this year, when I finally agreed to go down the neurosurgical route. I wanted to say to you that you are absolutely not alone, even though the isolating world of ongoing pain will I’m sure make you feel so; and in terms of what you are writing and explaining you are incredibly brave. Your honesty in writing this blog will make a huge difference to others as well as, I sincerely hope, to how you feel. If I had found it during my own journey I can’t tell you how much it would have meant! I only started blogging when on the waiting list for my surgery and was too afraid to open up about what it was like so all hats off to you for what you are doing. I sincerely hope that your journey will become less difficult, very soon.

      • I had my surgery on 19th April this year at the wonderful Kings College Hospital neurosurgical unit, so have just passed the ‘magic’ six month mark in my recovery (I am allowed to wear heels again ;-)!). To say it has changed my life is an understatement (not just the heels – that’s my standard flippant response when anyone asks about it). There are no words to describe what that operation has done. I have got ‘me’ back again – someone my little boy, born after the initial acute phase, has never known. Going through all this is such recent history for me, and so fresh in my mind – if there is anything I can do to help you with the experience you’re going through in any way, please don’t hesitate to ask.

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