A Nest. One Viper.

I am in such a bad mood. Frustrated, fed up, cross, angry. GRUMPY. I don’t know if I want to hit something and scream or cry. It’s that kind of grumpiness that makes me want to petulantly shout ‘oh just fuck off’ to anyone who says anything that annoys me. And it’s that type of crossness that means anything annoys me. You see that circle there? It’s vicious alright.

It’s not proportionate to events. It’s actually quite irrational. It’s not PMT, it’s not horrendous chronic pain. It’s pent-up frustration and unspent energy. And little things irritating me that have built up through the day and exploding like a fizzy bottle shaken too much.

I wasn’t in this mood all day. I had spent a lovely morning with my Winter Boy at a softplay centre, where there was a bored looking woman doing music and dancing with the children. And, as it turns out, with me. I have no rhythm any more and I suspect this realisation that I’m no longer able to rock with the toddlers added a teensy bit of Fizz into that bottle.

I had my third Expert Patients Programme session this afternoon. R had initially asked if he could drop me off, I said I needed the car. However, while I was out shaking pompoms and I utilised my fab female skill of multitasking and mentally realised that Summer Girl finished school during this session, unlike for the last 2 sessions over Easter holidays. When I got home I agreed with R that he does in fact need the car. It was not enough that I had bowed down to his greater wisdom. No. He was now cross about having to drive me there, and pick me back up again at 4:30pm. What was he going to do while I was there, with the children? Well, the same thing you had thought of doing when you  first suggested it and it was your idea. For Fuck’s Sake. And that was another dose of fizz added.

I was late. Ok I wasn’t late, I rocked up by the skin of my teeth, but that’s not the point. Because I am on R time, not my time. That means that before we leave, he needs to make himself a cooked lunch. And I am on Winter Boy time, not my time. And this means that before we leave Winter Boy had discarded his trousers and pants never to be seen again. As R drove the car along an alternative route to try it out, which is always great when you are late, another huge dose of fizz was injected into the bottle.

The Expert Patients Programme was good. We finished early at 4:15pm. R was not on his way, he was going to be 20 mins he said. Not sure how he figured he would be picking me up at the normal finish time of 4:30pm and so, with the wind in my hair, and my bones, the fizz started to creep up towards the neck of the clearly small bottle. But as I felt it rising, rising, I made a point of not shaking it, and started to walk. R met me half way.

Now, one thing that had kept me sane all day was the prospect of going swimming. With my new goggles. and my new nose clip. I had even dug out my flip-flops for the poolside and was ultra organised. Everything was packed right down to my razor for the long hot shower afterward, everything apart from my swimming cap. That’s around somewhere right? But, as I walked to meet R, I realised I really fancy some gym time, I need to burn sweat. I have too much energy, it needs to get out. I think about music and yes, that’s what I want! Can’t wait. R has obviously picked up my iPod nano from his locker at work, where it has been living for the last 2 months, as I asked to do so this week, and he went in today for something. The fizz settled a little.

I made tea for the children, and got ready, feeling my unspent frustrations all about to be pounded away at the gym. Couldn’t find socks that match, children had been playing with my goggles and headphones and then I asked The Question. I knew the answer as the words tumbled out of my mouth and I tensed everything up waiting for the bottle to explode as the words ‘oh shit! no sorry’ left R’s lips. I cannot exercise without music. I just can’t. OK, I can, if we are going to be picky about it. But I don’t enjoy it, I can’t pace myself and it goes from being fun to being a huge chore. I spent the next hour trying desperately to download Spotify to my Smartphone, only to find it’s not that fucking smart. So, absolutely devastated, crushed, that my perfect plan fell apart, the fizz quietly spilt out of the bottle as I stopped myself from throwing the phone at the wall.

But, that wasn’t enough to ruin my plans. I would just have to  swim, with my new goggles and new nose clip. But, can I find the FUCKING SWIMMING CAP? And so my evening has actually been ruined. I can’t go swimming now. I’m too cross. The bottle has no more room, and has been shaken violently. I am so fucking cross I am not really sure what to do with myself. And because it’s not entirely rational angst, I can’t deal with it ‘sensibly’.

The best thing to do is quietly take myself off upstairs to engross myself in social media world, but as I am not rude, I tell R I am going upstairs. ‘no you’re not! Dinner is here, if you’re not going out, you got to eat, you didn’t eat lunch’. I’m not hungry, but I might be tempted ‘what is it?’ ‘fish and chips’. FISH AND FUCKING CHIPS? FFS. we had that last night! I don’t want that again. Especially as I made a special tuna with chilli and garlic, home-made chips and salad. I don’t want oven chips, spaghetti and breaded fish. Bleurgh.  And at this point, the only thing that I can do to resolve this situation is to let the fizz outa that goddamm bottle and have a full-blown Proper Strop.

The cork hit the cat, who had tried to nuzzle and suckle and irritate me, after I had stomped up the stairs, and thrown myself onto the bed in a dramatic impression of a teenager not allowed out with her friends past 9pm and so I did petulantly shout ‘oh just fuck off!’ at her.

And I am now nestled in my duvet, fluffed with pillows I still feel poisonous because things didn’t go my way. And I still haven’t got my unspent energy out.

And I’m now fucking hungry.

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How Do You Burn Energy When You Are in Pain? A Sharing Blog

I know what my problem is. Why I am not settled with this back pain business. I am not using any energy. No running. No swimming. No kayaking. No jumping up and down with the children, dancing around the front room. I have TOO MUCH ENERGY!

What the hell am I meant to do with it all? I really, really want to burn some calories, I want to exercise until it hurts, to sweat with expelled energy. I want to run in the rain, through the industrial estate near where I live and to the harbour, across the lock and to the sea while listening to Bruce Springsteen’s Born To Run.

People keep telling me that I have to learn to do ‘hew hobbies’, find things I can do from an armchair, and yes, I do. But, what about my energy?! what do I do with it?

It’s just dawned on me like a huge smack in the face that much of my emotional wellbeing issues are lack of physical exertion. Normally I do nothing slowly, I get up late for work, run around like a headless chicken and at work on time. I run up and down stairs (we have a lot of them) in and out of the house, I bounce and charge everywhere, every second of the day. I clean my teeth while brushing my hair and pulling on my socks, I talk fast, think fast, DO fast.

And now. Stopped. Dead. In it’s tracks. Everything is so Slow now. Getting dressed, moving up and down stairs, getting up and down from my sofa. And yes I am trying to do reverse crunches (reverse sit-ups, fab for 6-pack!) but they are not exactly calorie crunching are they?

So, Tell me, what do you with your unspent energy when you are in pain, or unable to do the things you normally do for other reasons? Give me your top tips for getting rid of this overwhelming desire to just take shit ton of drugs and run, and I will write a blog with all your suggestions.

I Rocked the Crazy Train! I Am Now in Pain.

I stand in front of the crowd. They jump and clap to my rocking notes, as I tap my foot and rock to the music. I am a Rock Goddess of the highest order, giving my crowd an amazing show. With sweat dripping down my face I end with a 5 star performance.

I take a bow, rip the guitar from around my neck and throw it to my audience.

My husband gets up from the sofa, and takes his turn at Guitar Hero. He has turned into Jim Morrison whIle I stumble onto the sofa snd collapse. The sweat is from  the central heating, cranked up to combat the dropping temperature. My staggering walk is due to increasing pain in my back and hip, along with the worst case of pins and needles in my foot and calf since I sat cross legged for too long at yoga once. 

Once avid fans of the pretend guitar, spending many a night with friends drinking beer and being rockstars together, it got relegated to the spaces in the eaves as parenting, work and other Real Life took over. I found it searching for something else just over a week ago, and since then R and I have played all the Gigs again, fought with Ted Nugent and won, and I fell in love with rock all over again. Not that I ever fell out of love – there have been many moments when I have driven in our family wagon singing to Rebel Yell, windows down, cranked up to full volume, it has just become secondary to the calmer tunes of Twinkle Little Star and Wind The Bobbin Up. Although, my children are rocking it out too now, even my two-almost-three year old Roo, and Bella is pretty damn good at Band on the Run. And they have mastered moshing around the living room.

I have achieved one of my Wish List items too this week, dancing around with Bella while R did his best impression of my favourite rock god Dave Grohl. Unfortunately my over zealous popping and moshing while ‘playing’ Ozzfest has resulted in several of my wish list items being unticked, namely the ‘walking without a limp or visible pain’ and ‘dancing with Bella.

R has said I might have to retire. Or at least play some of the more gentle tunes and remember that the nerve blocking meds have not fixed my back, they just pretend it doesn’t hurt any more.

He is only jealous that I can rock the fast notes better than him.

I Balanced My Body!

I did not go to Body Balance last night. I rushed out of the house to cries of ‘but mama, I will miss you! can I come? one more cuddle, and a kiss…pleease? don’t go mama! I have not said goodbye!’ [for the millionth time]. Drove like a maniac the two minute distance to the gym (I could walk but a) that is more exercise, let’s not push it b) it is dark and c) it is going to rain) parked across two spaces like a woman possessed, sprinted (walked fast) towards the entrance to be pipped at the post by three hippy women and as I got to the check-in I was met with a ‘sorry class is full’ as the hippies casually took their shoes off and sort of elegantly tiptoed towards the class, ankle bracelets twinkling. Bitches. That was my class.

What happened next well, I have no clue. I expect it had something to do with missing that mornings meds. After returning home, I joined the family on the bed, for stories, and R put them to bed while I ‘rested’ my eyes. I passed out. Like, actually, no recollection of the next hour until R came up and complained he was all alone.  I could not speak or move, I ‘slept’ until 6:45am and woke with The Most Horrendous Headache, having also missed my meds last night. Tramadol withdrawal is Not Pleasant and I’m not looking forward when I no longer need it.  I have had the shakes all day and my legs almost gave way walking back from the school/nursery run.

I felt so rough, but there was another body balance class at 12:30. I looked terrible, hair was sweaty and yucky, clothes were crumpled, I took the kids to school looking like a fright, baseball cap and long coat on. But I was determined to get to that Class.

And with the help of 3 cups of coffee and some Guitar Hero with R before he went to work, to lift my mood, I did! I had a chat with a personal trainer about parting with £130 per month to get a proper exercise regime going (sod that I can work it out myself thanks) and 10 mins later, I was floating. Ok. I was falling. A Lot. The instructor was brilliant, gave me little shakes of the head which was my cue to stay in Down-Dog or whatever instead of contorting my body into some snake like position (see, I am using the lingo already). I could not even hold my arms out straight without them shaking, but I did it anyway.

And then. Get this. I Went For A Swim. I thought, well, I am here right? 6 lengths of the tiny pool, 15 mins collapsed in the Spa, 20 mins sat in the disabled shower purely to catch my breathe. Well, not purely, I shaved my legs.

Roll on 3pm, I was collecting Winter Boy from nursery like a new woman. My hair had been styled and dried, some BB cream and a little sparkle wake up cream, mascara, lipgloss and I was transformed. Apart from the slight limp from some pain cutting through my hip into my almost numb foot which I was desperately trying to ignore.

Rock On Friday for the next class!  And if anyone is thinking of going (denialandpanic for example) do it. It is brilliant!

Tonight I Will Mostly Be Doing Body Balance.

Stand on one leg, arms out, lean forwards, stretch both arms backwards,  lean downwards, slowly, then hold it for 30 seconds. Do Not Fall Over. That is the Aeroplane Pose. I have yet to be able to do this without falling over or looking like I am having some kind of fit. This is Body Balance.

A mixture of Thai Chi to start and finish the hour group session, with power yoga and pilates in-between, developed by some bloke called Lee Mills. Or, at least he named it and earned a lot of money from it. It strengthens the core muscles of the body, increases balance, improves posture and gives me a very flat tummy. Apparantly. It is brilliant for strengthening the weak muscles around my lumbar area. Some of the pilates exercises are used by physiotherapists to help improve posture for back injuries and chronic back pain. It is more difficult than it looks, but after the initial two sessions where I nervously look around at all the lovely hippy women with toe jewelry and long flowing unkempt natural hair gently pulled into a ponytail, bangles and an air of serenity as they stretch their long tone arms to the sun, while I wobble and grimace, trying hard not to fall over, I always get into it and it is surprising how quickly you go from being an amateur to one of the pro-s quietly giggling at a new person falling over.

It is performed to music and after a while of going tI find a sense of calmness in the group, and it is quite magical watching 20 mostly women in the big mirrored wall all moving in rhythm to the gentle music, graceful and elegant, until I catch an uncoordinated, undignified woman lurching from one side of the mat to the other. Oh, that’s me.

And actually the music is not all calm and serene waterfalls by any stretch of the imagination. I love the instructor’s choices – ‘sucks to be you’ as we work on our thigh muscles with the Ange, the supple but not stick-thin instructor, singing the chorus loudly to us as we all try not to look like it is not hard at all. And somewhere else we do some pilates to Placebo’s version of Running Up that Hill. Fabulous song, I enjoy that bit.

I am going tonight with some intrepidation though. Between January and June, I worked so hard to strengthen my  core muscles, I joined a gym, went 3-4 times a week, swimming, body balance, pilates, some gym workout (cross-trainer while listening to Plan B mostly). I became trim, fit and although I still struggled with pain, I was managing it ok with relatively low level painkillers. The family struggled for a few weeks with chicken pox descending on the house, followed by Summer Girl breaking her wrist spectacularly falling from monkey bars, and I missed the gym for 3 weeks. Before I returned, my back ‘went’ while I swept up rice crispies from the floor.

don’t know if the gym absence for 3 weeks weakened by back muscles, or if it was going to ‘go’ anyway. A little part of me thinks I wasted my time, as I could prevent it from happening, despite working hard to improve my fitness and avoid things that are risky. So, I do another 4-5 months, and then I am floored again, then what? another 4 months out of action? I have not exercised properly since June. I am going to have to start all over again. 4 months is a long time to commit to 4 times a week if it does not help.

I was going to link some Body Balance youtube videos so you can check out what is involved, in case you fancy a go. But I can’t get the ‘link’ button to work. I will come back and add some, but in the meantime, check out my links at the side of my blog for some great videos.

AARGH!

I didn’t get there! A Bad Day All Round. Tomorrrow. I am going to bypass the in-between and go Straight for Body Balance! I am so desperate to do some hard exercise, you know, stuff that hurts the muscles. I just feel bleurgh. Not fat, just, not using muscles, i feel saggy and unused. Winter Boy keeps saying “you spongey mummy!” prodding my chin, “you spongey”! (he also calls me ‘muvva!’ howling with laughter but that is a whole different story).

I need do a work-out so that tomorrow I hurt in a good way.