No Driving!

You know what? I can’t actually write what I think today. Well I can, but it is exceptionally dull. Not witty, or informative. I have tried to write something 3 times. I even posted one of them. Shocking.

There are bigger problems in the world than me not being able to drive the car for a while because of medication side effects. At least I have a car and have a partner who can drive it.

There are bigger problems in the world than numb patches and pins and needles in my leg and being told by my GP that this might now be permanent. And bigger problems as fighting to get my GP to re-refer me to the Spinal Pathway because ‘many people make a decision to accept numb patches, pins and needles over spinal surgey’. At least I am not in horrendous pain any more thanks to being pumped full of drugs. At least I can walk.

There are bigger problems in the world than my boss being a bit shitty with me when I said I was returning on reduced hours, not today, but tomorrow and her making it clear not to expect any Welcome Back banners . At least I have a job. At least I have enough money to pay the bills and take the family on holiday this year.

At least I am alive and relatively well. And my family are well and with me.

Yet somehow, that does not cheer me up.

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AARGH!

I didn’t get there! A Bad Day All Round. Tomorrrow. I am going to bypass the in-between and go Straight for Body Balance! I am so desperate to do some hard exercise, you know, stuff that hurts the muscles. I just feel bleurgh. Not fat, just, not using muscles, i feel saggy and unused. Winter Boy keeps saying “you spongey mummy!” prodding my chin, “you spongey”! (he also calls me ‘muvva!’ howling with laughter but that is a whole different story).

I need do a work-out so that tomorrow I hurt in a good way.

Something is Worrying Me.

Well, I never intended this blog to be so dam miserable. I do apologise. R said I should be careful not to be so bloody miserable people or else people will stop reading. I agree. But seeing as this is also a cathartic process for me. I need to get it all out. R is at work/buries his head in the sand when it comes to talking of the future. No-one in my entire world can probably bear to listen to me bang on about my back pain, and anyway ‘oh dear, poor you’ is Not Helpful. So I am going to moan away in my own words, in my own time to the www.

I am taking a ridiculous amount of medication. One of which is turning me into a goofball at night/in the morning. Despite being a walking pharmacy, my pain levels increase as the day wears on and by 5pm, I find walking too painful. My back, left leg/hip down to my feet, and both my calves and feet scream with hot pain, pins and needles when I sit from standing, stand from sitting. And I have not been being hugely active. I am not running a marathon. In fact for the last two days I have bee child free thanks to school and nursery. I have been careful but kept moving.

I am not at work. I have been off sick for almost 3 weeks struggling get my sciatic pain under control. Hence the nerve blockers. Since June I have been off sick more than I have been at work -when I was there I was mostly on reduced hours. My Boss is supportive. My colleagues are Fed up.

I am worried I will lose my job in the long-term, worried the long-term might be closer than I think, worried that if I can work will I have to reduce my hours for ever?  Can I work when I am a goofball? Will my colleagues now resent me? See me as unreliable, flakey, thinking about how much work I am causing rather than how I am? I have got no Get well card that is for sure. No kind messages of wellness. And we all know what lots of people think about colleagues with ‘back ache’ right? I have already seen my career damaged, having to put on hold a Diploma course that would eventually see a rise on the ladder. Is this going to ruin me completely?

So, I’m worried about Monday. I should be returning to work. I want to return.  I am scared of going back only to leave again because I can’t manage it, or do two weeks then it all goes wrong again. I am worried I won’t be able to get out of bed, and if I do I will be out of it on pain meds? I am worried I will just stare wildly at my colleagues, a dribbling mess while they make me a coffee. And then, I am worried my GP will sign me off again, and say I am not ready. I am worried I will tell her I am not ready. Because. Lets face it. If I go to work my day is going to be, wake up, zillion coffees, no conversation as I am too out of it. work, badly, home, lots of pain and somehow I need to be a mum then, sometimes on my own if R is working late shift. Can I even do that? Really?

I am scared of my future. I am a crap mum and I can’t do the job I have done for 10 years. The sadness I felt after being told I should avoid kayaking was nothing compared to the fear I have now of losing more than a hobby.

Tomorrow, I’m going to post something positive.

I’m On A Mission

Today I am more upbeat. I am thinking positively and this is Dangerous. It means I am on a mission to cure all things that are wrong with me, will be firing a million questions at R and expecting quick responses. Now thank you very much.

The first thing I need to do to cure my ills is to Start an anti-inflammatory diet – I have reading a lot about this recently and I want to start it to help me reduce continued inflammation of back muscles and sciatic nerve. In order to complete this mission I must: find out what increases inflammation – cut that out of my diet, find out what reduces inflammation – add this into my diet, find recipes for food I can eat, find recipes for food we can all eat, cut out dairy, cut out wheat, cut out coffee, cut out wine.WHAT? I am realising quickly that my current diet is made up mostly of pasta, bread, coffee, wine. I will starve. Oh, hang on. caffeine and red wine are also anti-oxidants which are anti-inflammatory. So I can add those to my shopping list? Or not? My head is spinning.I am confused.

But at least I am not Grumpy.

What Am I Doing Here?!!

Honestly? I am wondering why I am here. And how the hell do I actually do this? I have a lot of words to write down but I have no clue about blogging, the format, how to make it took pretty, how to get people to come and read my blog, how on earth to make it not look childish and messy. There are so many talented women out there. How can I be even vaguely like them?

I came into the world of writing and blogging by accident, to talk about the pain and frustrations of a torn lumbar disc and other issues relating to long term back problems, to cure boredom in the lonely evenings while my husband works unsociable hours and my friends have other things to do that listen to my durge. I thought ‘I can do that if others can’. I  had an air of grandeur about me then, I felt great, I was going to be amazing. I was flying!

And then I crash-landed. I am now doubting myself,  feeling foolish, feeling dumb. Every time I see other blogs, I don’t see inspiration. I see things I can’t ever do. I look at my musings and it seems silly, ridiculous, a non-starter.

Perhaps this is the frame of mind that suits today. I will try again tomorrow.

Good Night

“Time, motion and wine cause sleep” The Very Wise, Ovid.