I wish I did not have back pain
I wish it went away
But it’s not going anywhere
It’s certainly here to stay
I think I’m finding ways to cope
and then it all goes wrong
I get respite but spend that time
waiting for it to all go wrong
I’ve had the most amazing christmas
despite enduring pain
but each morning I wake and fear
what that day will bring again
my days are getting harder
my world has changed and so
my life is never again going to be
the one I used to know
I have never had a year
with so many tears to fight
but I will keep going, I have no choice
but to fight this with all my might.
I have been lost with the direction of my blog for a little while. Coinciding with the whole ‘why do you blog?’ discussion which has generated a lot of thought-provoking posts, and the revelation of how my lumbar disc came to be in such poor shape, I saw myself plummet into a vicious cycle of back pain and puking which I struggled to break. Hovering on the brink of hospitalisation and continued dilemma about whether to take yet more nerve blocking, brain numbing medicine, I have gone through turmoil mentally and physically and found myself with so much I wanted to talk about on my blog, yet struggled with words to write it all down. I think this may a classic case of Writer’s Block, although possibly Writer’s Overload is more accurate. So, I said nothing. I could not even find the words to respond to the great Blog Hops and Memes I have been asked to contribute to. I have broken the cycle and am back on track, but my blog has been neglected.
What is the point of my blog? Honestly, I am no longer sure. I had wanted it to be an outlet for my thoughts, fears, pain, struggles with parenting. But also to maybe be a place of sanctuary for others who suffer with chronic pain, to reach out and know I am not alone, and to tell others they are not alone. To provide useful information that may help others who are starting to bang their heads against the colossal brick wall that is the medical world, the brick wall of ignorance and confusion that is spinal care. To drink wine and vent my frustrations with this horrendous place I continue to find myself locked within.
Have I achieved any of it? My first response is ‘No’. But then, thinking about some of the things I want to achieve, actually, yes. I have met with some fabulous people, some who have never experienced chronic pain yet place themselves in my shoes and offer support and encouragement. I have met some brave, courageous people who have been in my shoes and are coming out the other side, and have been willing to share their stories with me and give me hope for my own future. I have gained a huge amount from it. However, I am not sure that I have offered anything back, I have taken, but not given. And that feels very one-sided. It is not what my purpose was, I know that much.
The purpose now? I need to think. I am Lost. Once I find some order to my thoughts, maybe I can start to write them down again. I am going to write less, and read more.
Thank you to those who have visited my blog and helped me reached this fabulous figure. I am looking forward to continuing the journey that hopefully will see another 1000, and maybe even getting to 25 people following me. Please share my blog with anyone you think might get something from it.
Honestly? I am wondering why I am here. And how the hell do I actually do this? I have a lot of words to write down but I have no clue about blogging, the format, how to make it took pretty, how to get people to come and read my blog, how on earth to make it not look childish and messy. There are so many talented women out there. How can I be even vaguely like them?
I came into the world of writing and blogging by accident, to talk about the pain and frustrations of a torn lumbar disc and other issues relating to long term back problems, to cure boredom in the lonely evenings while my husband works unsociable hours and my friends have other things to do that listen to my durge. I thought ‘I can do that if others can’. I had an air of grandeur about me then, I felt great, I was going to be amazing. I was flying!
And then I crash-landed. I am now doubting myself, feeling foolish, feeling dumb. Every time I see other blogs, I don’t see inspiration. I see things I can’t ever do. I look at my musings and it seems silly, ridiculous, a non-starter.
Perhaps this is the frame of mind that suits today. I will try again tomorrow.