Today is ‘Thankful Thursday’

I am dedicating Thursday Blogs to being Thankful for my life. A quote, a song, a poem, something about my week, some thoughts aloud.

I have an album, ‘Society’ by Eddie Vedder and Jerry Hannan, written for Into the Wild. Every time I hear it, it gets me emotionally, perhaps because I have seen the film based upon Alexander Supertramp who died after giving up his money and possessions to live a life of solitude, or perhaps it is because it is Eddie Vedder singing it, or perhaps because it touches a cord somewhere.

Whenever I feel restless, unsatisfied with the things I have, or don’t have, when the green-eyed monster rears it’s ugly head from time to time at the ever-growing material success those around us appear to have as we stand still or even go backwards, when I want that bigger house, that garden, when I am frustrated that I am not getting to where I want to be quick enough,  I put this Album on (and clean the kitchen for some reason).

It brings me back to where I need to be. I grounds me. It reminds me why we don’t have that bigger house, that garden, those lovely things. Why our fridge is falling apart and we our cooker is not fully functioning. Because, we chose to do things differently to others, we chose our family, we chose our lives together, we chose in sickness and in health, for richer for poorer. We decided money is not of huge value to us, yes, important, we must eat and have clothes and a roof over our head, some nice experiences, but not those things that so many people around us hanker for to the detriment of time.  I don’t want a bigger house. What for? to buy more things to put in it?  Why do I want a bigger, faster car? to use more fuel in, spend more money insuring, be more likely to drive fast and crash? why do I want an expensive rug? for the kids to ruin with milk and cookies, to have the cats throw up on it, to have to spend lots of money cleaning it? R and I often talk about ‘downsizing’! to a yurt. I would so love to do that, chuck it all away, all the crap, the shit. How utterly wonderful would that be? I could not do what McCandless did and disappear completely, not with the children, but taking it all back a little? It would be Good for us.

I am thankful that I can remind myself of where I actually want to be in life. Right here, with the people who matter most to me. I am so so lucky I have had the opportunity to live the life I have had with my family, to be part of their lives, for R to have some time with them when he was made redundant. This last year has been so hard, I am thankful that I had not worked every hour that existed prior to this last year, that I had spent time with my family.

I am thankful my children are well, my husband is well, that I am relatively well, that we have food, and a roof over our head. That we are happy. If we had to strip it all back, all our material possessions, we would have the things that are most important to us. Our love, our friendship, our happiness.

I am so thankful that we are happy. Because, despite the toll of my shit health, I would not change my life. It isn’t perfect, but it is good. I got to keep hold of that Happiness and not lose it.

Below is a snippet from the song ‘Society’ from the Album of the same name. Sung by Eddie Vedder, written by Jerry Hannan in collaboration with Eddie Vedder. If you haven’t watched the film, you must do it.

(Live song here)

“It’s a mystery to me
We have a greed with which we have agreed
And you think you have to want more than you need
Until you have it all, you won’t be free

Society, you’re a crazy breed
I hope you’re not lonely without me

When you want more than you have, you think you need
And when you think more than you want, your thoughts begin to bleed
I think I need to find a bigger place
Cause when you have more than you think, you need more space…”

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I Rocked the Crazy Train! I Am Now in Pain.

I stand in front of the crowd. They jump and clap to my rocking notes, as I tap my foot and rock to the music. I am a Rock Goddess of the highest order, giving my crowd an amazing show. With sweat dripping down my face I end with a 5 star performance.

I take a bow, rip the guitar from around my neck and throw it to my audience.

My husband gets up from the sofa, and takes his turn at Guitar Hero. He has turned into Jim Morrison whIle I stumble onto the sofa snd collapse. The sweat is from  the central heating, cranked up to combat the dropping temperature. My staggering walk is due to increasing pain in my back and hip, along with the worst case of pins and needles in my foot and calf since I sat cross legged for too long at yoga once. 

Once avid fans of the pretend guitar, spending many a night with friends drinking beer and being rockstars together, it got relegated to the spaces in the eaves as parenting, work and other Real Life took over. I found it searching for something else just over a week ago, and since then R and I have played all the Gigs again, fought with Ted Nugent and won, and I fell in love with rock all over again. Not that I ever fell out of love – there have been many moments when I have driven in our family wagon singing to Rebel Yell, windows down, cranked up to full volume, it has just become secondary to the calmer tunes of Twinkle Little Star and Wind The Bobbin Up. Although, my children are rocking it out too now, even my two-almost-three year old Roo, and Bella is pretty damn good at Band on the Run. And they have mastered moshing around the living room.

I have achieved one of my Wish List items too this week, dancing around with Bella while R did his best impression of my favourite rock god Dave Grohl. Unfortunately my over zealous popping and moshing while ‘playing’ Ozzfest has resulted in several of my wish list items being unticked, namely the ‘walking without a limp or visible pain’ and ‘dancing with Bella.

R has said I might have to retire. Or at least play some of the more gentle tunes and remember that the nerve blocking meds have not fixed my back, they just pretend it doesn’t hurt any more.

He is only jealous that I can rock the fast notes better than him.