Something is Worrying Me.

Well, I never intended this blog to be so dam miserable. I do apologise. R said I should be careful not to be so bloody miserable people or else people will stop reading. I agree. But seeing as this is also a cathartic process for me. I need to get it all out. R is at work/buries his head in the sand when it comes to talking of the future. No-one in my entire world can probably bear to listen to me bang on about my back pain, and anyway ‘oh dear, poor you’ is Not Helpful. So I am going to moan away in my own words, in my own time to the www.

I am taking a ridiculous amount of medication. One of which is turning me into a goofball at night/in the morning. Despite being a walking pharmacy, my pain levels increase as the day wears on and by 5pm, I find walking too painful. My back, left leg/hip down to my feet, and both my calves and feet scream with hot pain, pins and needles when I sit from standing, stand from sitting. And I have not been being hugely active. I am not running a marathon. In fact for the last two days I have bee child free thanks to school and nursery. I have been careful but kept moving.

I am not at work. I have been off sick for almost 3 weeks struggling get my sciatic pain under control. Hence the nerve blockers. Since June I have been off sick more than I have been at work -when I was there I was mostly on reduced hours. My Boss is supportive. My colleagues are Fed up.

I am worried I will lose my job in the long-term, worried the long-term might be closer than I think, worried that if I can work will I have to reduce my hours for ever?  Can I work when I am a goofball? Will my colleagues now resent me? See me as unreliable, flakey, thinking about how much work I am causing rather than how I am? I have got no Get well card that is for sure. No kind messages of wellness. And we all know what lots of people think about colleagues with ‘back ache’ right? I have already seen my career damaged, having to put on hold a Diploma course that would eventually see a rise on the ladder. Is this going to ruin me completely?

So, I’m worried about Monday. I should be returning to work. I want to return.  I am scared of going back only to leave again because I can’t manage it, or do two weeks then it all goes wrong again. I am worried I won’t be able to get out of bed, and if I do I will be out of it on pain meds? I am worried I will just stare wildly at my colleagues, a dribbling mess while they make me a coffee. And then, I am worried my GP will sign me off again, and say I am not ready. I am worried I will tell her I am not ready. Because. Lets face it. If I go to work my day is going to be, wake up, zillion coffees, no conversation as I am too out of it. work, badly, home, lots of pain and somehow I need to be a mum then, sometimes on my own if R is working late shift. Can I even do that? Really?

I am scared of my future. I am a crap mum and I can’t do the job I have done for 10 years. The sadness I felt after being told I should avoid kayaking was nothing compared to the fear I have now of losing more than a hobby.

Tomorrow, I’m going to post something positive.

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What Am I Doing Here?!!

Honestly? I am wondering why I am here. And how the hell do I actually do this? I have a lot of words to write down but I have no clue about blogging, the format, how to make it took pretty, how to get people to come and read my blog, how on earth to make it not look childish and messy. There are so many talented women out there. How can I be even vaguely like them?

I came into the world of writing and blogging by accident, to talk about the pain and frustrations of a torn lumbar disc and other issues relating to long term back problems, to cure boredom in the lonely evenings while my husband works unsociable hours and my friends have other things to do that listen to my durge. I thought ‘I can do that if others can’. I  had an air of grandeur about me then, I felt great, I was going to be amazing. I was flying!

And then I crash-landed. I am now doubting myself,  feeling foolish, feeling dumb. Every time I see other blogs, I don’t see inspiration. I see things I can’t ever do. I look at my musings and it seems silly, ridiculous, a non-starter.

Perhaps this is the frame of mind that suits today. I will try again tomorrow.

Good Night

“Time, motion and wine cause sleep” The Very Wise, Ovid.

Wine Can’t Cure Back Pain…The Beginning

Wine Can’t Cure Back Pain…The Beginning


I have a Bad Back. I talk about it pretty much all the time, to pretty much anyone who will listen. I have been known to send people (my husband) to sleep with my wittering. Over the last 9 months I have been on, and I am still on, the biggest learning journey since parenthood. It seems like a good idea to rant and moan, share my pain and my fears, my difficulties with managing the children, my breakthroughs and my relapses, my learning and my ideas, my battle through the medical system, my success and my failure with medication in a Blog rather than (or, let’s be honest, as well as) with the family, friends, work colleagues and people at the bus stop who are quite clearly Fed Up of it now.

So, I have gone For It and I am excited, and nervous. I am chucking myself completely into the unknown. It is not the same as writing for others. Yes I talk a lot, mostly bollocks. And I write a lot, much of the same. What if I am Bad at It? What if no-one reads it? Worse, what if people read it and laugh? But, then I remind myself that I actually have a lot to say about back pain. Maybe people will read it. Maybe they  won’t even laugh. Maybe I can Do It.’.

But the instant I made the decision I stumbled upon the first hurdle, the first problem which almost made me shut the computer in a huff and give up. My blogname. I couldn’t think of a catchy one. I knew what I wanted, but the words were not there. Not A Good Start, Writers Block before I have even written a sentence.

 I wanted humorous, ironic maybe, not clinical and matter of fact, something that people who read this will find easily, will find funny, will understand and connect with. I knew it. I just couldn’t remember it (I will blame the meds). I spent an entire day lying down (I won’t tell the physio that) thinking, drinking coffee, watching daytime tv for inspiration. I even asked ‘the witches’ online to help me chose a name. And just when I thought it was not going to happen and contemplated drowning my sorrows in red wine and tramadol, I had an image of me propping myself up against a kitchen breakfast bar in a rented cottage one christmas, unable to sit or stand, after days of pain, and recalled some-one refilling my tightly clutched wine glass and saying to me ‘wine does not cure back pain, but it does help!’ and there it was. Right there, where it was the whole time. My blogname.

This is the start of something, I am not sure where it will go. If you have back pain and children, or just back pain, share my journey. Come back and visit me. I will try not to bore you.