Medicinal Spa Pool Recommended by GP

I have had a very unpleasant week. My back went into spasm again last week and coupled with significant vomitting for much of the week I was quite a mess – in pain, could not eat or drink anything, couldn’t take my medication of any kind for much of the week. Let’s not do details, but the short of it is, as well as being in horrendous pain and unable to stand straight, I also struggled to <ahem> take a shit. The medication, along with pain, and not eating much had basically stopped my digestive system from working. It is all sorted now but the week and in particular the end of it was actually quite traumatic. My GP said taking a laxative was like taking a sledgehammer to fix the problem. And she was right.

Today, post traumatic stress induced me has been signed off work for a further two weeks. Again. After managing a wonderful 2 weeks at work. My GP told me to ‘forget about work’ for the time being (not for the first time) concentrate on myself. Luckily I get paid full sick pay but that is not the point, I want to and need to be working.

So, I am going to the gym, to walk the pool and keep active, and then to sit in the Jacuzzi until I am wrinkly. I told my GP this and she said this was entirely recommended that I need more than anything to relax myself and that will help with the pain. She suggested doing it daily. I wonder if I can get it on prescription?

I had a conversation with some lovely people on Mumsnet yesterday about keeping reserves so that I have something to fall back on when things get bad. I was given a link by one of those people who herself suffers from chronic debilitating back pain about the Spoon Theory. If you have not heard of it, take a look. Work is a task that cannot take one of my spoons at the moment as I don’t have that many in my hands, but the spa, right now can take that spoon.

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Something is Worrying Me.

Well, I never intended this blog to be so dam miserable. I do apologise. R said I should be careful not to be so bloody miserable people or else people will stop reading. I agree. But seeing as this is also a cathartic process for me. I need to get it all out. R is at work/buries his head in the sand when it comes to talking of the future. No-one in my entire world can probably bear to listen to me bang on about my back pain, and anyway ‘oh dear, poor you’ is Not Helpful. So I am going to moan away in my own words, in my own time to the www.

I am taking a ridiculous amount of medication. One of which is turning me into a goofball at night/in the morning. Despite being a walking pharmacy, my pain levels increase as the day wears on and by 5pm, I find walking too painful. My back, left leg/hip down to my feet, and both my calves and feet scream with hot pain, pins and needles when I sit from standing, stand from sitting. And I have not been being hugely active. I am not running a marathon. In fact for the last two days I have bee child free thanks to school and nursery. I have been careful but kept moving.

I am not at work. I have been off sick for almost 3 weeks struggling get my sciatic pain under control. Hence the nerve blockers. Since June I have been off sick more than I have been at work -when I was there I was mostly on reduced hours. My Boss is supportive. My colleagues are Fed up.

I am worried I will lose my job in the long-term, worried the long-term might be closer than I think, worried that if I can work will I have to reduce my hours for ever?  Can I work when I am a goofball? Will my colleagues now resent me? See me as unreliable, flakey, thinking about how much work I am causing rather than how I am? I have got no Get well card that is for sure. No kind messages of wellness. And we all know what lots of people think about colleagues with ‘back ache’ right? I have already seen my career damaged, having to put on hold a Diploma course that would eventually see a rise on the ladder. Is this going to ruin me completely?

So, I’m worried about Monday. I should be returning to work. I want to return.  I am scared of going back only to leave again because I can’t manage it, or do two weeks then it all goes wrong again. I am worried I won’t be able to get out of bed, and if I do I will be out of it on pain meds? I am worried I will just stare wildly at my colleagues, a dribbling mess while they make me a coffee. And then, I am worried my GP will sign me off again, and say I am not ready. I am worried I will tell her I am not ready. Because. Lets face it. If I go to work my day is going to be, wake up, zillion coffees, no conversation as I am too out of it. work, badly, home, lots of pain and somehow I need to be a mum then, sometimes on my own if R is working late shift. Can I even do that? Really?

I am scared of my future. I am a crap mum and I can’t do the job I have done for 10 years. The sadness I felt after being told I should avoid kayaking was nothing compared to the fear I have now of losing more than a hobby.

Tomorrow, I’m going to post something positive.