Ode to Kicking This Shit

I wish I did not have back pain

I wish it went away

But it’s not going anywhere

It’s certainly here to stay

I think I’m finding ways to cope

and then it all goes wrong

I get respite but spend that time

waiting for it to all go wrong

I’ve had the most amazing christmas

despite enduring pain

but each morning I wake and fear

what that day will bring again

my days are getting harder

my world has changed and so

my life is never again going to be

the one I used to know

I have never had a year

with so many tears to fight

but I will keep going, I have no choice

but to fight this with all my might.

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Living with Pain That Just Won’t Go Away. Part 1

I have just read an article about how chronic pain changes a person. And, once again the tears flow as I write. I have pretty much stopped talking to people in real life about my back pain. People in real life have pretty much stopped asking. I am walking straight and I have medication. Some of that medication even makes me a bit happier as a side effect right?

It reminds me a little of when my mum died a few years ago. After a few weeks/months people stopped asking how I was, because I was over it right? Well, the development of this chronic pain, it’s quite a bit like grieving. The initial shock of it, the raw pain of it is hard to manage but people were there to help me cope in the early days when the pain was visible.  Then followed the process of trying come to terms with it, learning to accept that things are not the same anymore, that an important part of my life has been lost. And in time, that support disappeared as it had all become invisible, and people don’t want to hear it anymore, if it seems ok, best not to ask, or so it seems. I have struggled to keep myself going over the last 10 months, and it is not over, and just like grieving I think I am coping then something reminds me of what I am missing, a little thing that crops up that floors me all over agin. But it has now just conveniently been swept under the carpet of drugs, and my rotten mood and distancing from others is put down to the medication. The medication has changed me, right?

I had almost stopped crying for a while. But then, I read this article that I am going to post, and it is just like I have had a conversation with someone who understands again, someone who knows, who feels it, and who has got it right. It is like I have written bits of it. And it has opened the floodgates again as even though this was not written for me, or about me, and written before I even had chronic pain, it feels like for just a moment, today, someone was listening. Even though they weren’t.

I want to show it to all my friends, my family, my work colleagues, my GP, my husband and make them read it. I want to shout at them ‘you see?! it is not my fault I have changed so much, that I am so irritable and miserable and depressed. How can a stranger understand but not you?’

And the tears are now streaming down my face, and I can’t stop them. And don’t know if I want to stop them right now. I will post the article when I have composed myself.